littleprincess's Cancer Blog

May 30, 2008

Anger

Views: 457

I don’t know where to begin. So I’ll start at the beginning =o)

I woke up yesterday feeling fine, except for the irriation from the catheter. As soon as we got in the car, my heart started pounding, I was so nervous. The closer to the hospital we got the more nauseous I got. I try so hard to keep positive, but &*#)($&@ ^{everyone! Rght now I am so sick of positive! IF I had been less positive I would have told my doctor to move my ovaries if they had to do the hysterectomy. Which they did the hyst, and left the ovaries where they were. Stupid #$}(@ ONE #^{$*&#( lymph node was positive! So now they’re recommending radiation AND chemo. I’m guaranteed to lose my ovaries now! They said they can put me back under for another surgery, but I don’t think it would be worth it. &*}##&*@#(*&@&*(#&%%@*(&#@*(*$&@)*&$@(^!*(&!</sup>

But what is worth it? My case was supposed to be simple! There was a tiny chance that they would have to do the hysterectomy…there was a tiny chance that the lymph nodes would be positive…Luck is not on my side right now, and I am NOT positive!

My body responds to stress with sleep. I was so sick when the doctors were talking to me. I was afraid to open my mouth because I felt I would puke! Later in the day when they re-cathed me I passed out. I just wanted to curl up and sleep, and deal with it all later. I couldn’t pee after they took the foley out, but my urethra was s irritated every time I tried to it burned so bad. So in compromise I’m self-cathing. I’m able to urinate some, then I have to cath to completely empty. The goal is to have a lot less urine in the bladder than what I am able to urinate. Right now its even. But I think its improving.

I wanted so badly to punch the wall in the exam room, and throw everything! I don’t want to play anymore! I hate this! I hate that my body is being taken away from me! I hate that I can’t walk the 5 miles that I used to walk to relax, I can barely make it 1/2 mile! I hate that I can’t vacuum the #$&*^%@ floor because the vacuum is too heavy! I hate it all!

Part of me is considerig declining treatment…WHAT IF I am in that tiny percent that gets better without? WHAT IF it is no further than that ONE lymph node? What IF pursuing treatment breaks me down enough to let another cancer evolve? WHAT IF I’m in the tiny percent that has severe reactions to treatment?

I would LOVE to go to a kickboxing class or something. Pound the $&*% out of something, except I can’t because of my tummy tuck. I will be going out to the gun range later tonight though. I hope it will be satisfying enough to tear up the target…

There’s this place in Kentucky called Knob Creek Gun Range. I think its just twice a year they have a Machine Gun Shoot…they have everything! Explosives, fully autos, massive destruction. THAT is what I need right now! Unfortunately I think it is in April and October.

My doctor gave me some ativan yesterday. It helped me sleep once I got home. I’m actually calmer today, believe it or not.

So that glimmer of hope I saw down the road…turned out to be a train!

I don’t know what to do!

Posted on May 30, 2008 at 8:53:05 AM by Lisa ( Anger, 1 comment)

I think your anger is a good thing. If you’re pissed, let it out! Keeping it inside can’t be good. I’d be angry to. Angry at everyone who came withing ten feet of me. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. My own situation seems to nothing compared to yours. I had cancer. Then I didn’t. I’m so fortunate. Hang in there. And go shoot that machine gun!

Posted on May 30, 2008 at 4:18:00 PM by surfwid